


Coming Clean

by csThor



Series: DonoSlane Excursions [5]
Category: Star Wars Legends - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: New Jedi Order Era - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: X-Wing Series - Aaron Allston & Michael Stackpole, Star Wars Legends: X-wing Series - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Family History, Family Secrets, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-17
Updated: 2018-09-17
Packaged: 2019-07-13 13:57:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16019342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/csThor/pseuds/csThor
Summary: Dark secrets have a way of coming out. Sometimes it can be cleansing to reveal them. So when their daughter gets dumped by her boyfriend and refuses to be comforted Myn and Kirney decide to tell their story ... with all the ugly parts.Timeframe: ~ 32 ABY – Legends AU (no Vong, no Sith, etc)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just to avoid any misunderstandings:
> 
> Selan Donos jr. - their son  
> Alina Donos - their daughter
> 
> Both are OCs of mine.

**Coronet City – Tekahel District  
House of the Donos Family  
4:55 p.m. Corellian Time**

He stood in the kitchen, peeling tubers for dinner, and watched as his wife sliced the Bantha meat for the steaks.

"Less staring, more peeling," she ordered without looking at him.

Myn grinned and threw her a sloppy salute, a ridiculous gesture with the white apron he was wearing. "Yes, Captain. Right away, Captain."

Kirney shot him a mock glower. "Well, the less you peel the less you'll be able to eat. Simple as that."

He shrugged. "Hey, I'm a carnivore at heart. Give me a decent steak and I'm happy."

"That's not what the doctor ordered," she remarked sarcastically. "Didn't he tell you to eat less animal fat?"

Myn snorted. "That quack is just out to turn me into a kriffing vegetarian. Not gonna happen!"

"Right," she said with a smirk. Knowing exactly what he was about to say, Myn was utterly predictable at times, she took a breath and said, just as he began to speak as well, "Vegetarians are the people who eat up the food of my food."

It came out in perfect unison and both began to laugh.

"Go back to peeling tubers," she ordered once the initial merriment had died down a bit, although she was still chuckling. "The kids are about to come home from school and you know how grumpy your son can be if dinner is late."

"My son?" He faked righteous indignation pretty well. "How come whenever he's been up to his tricks or he's in a snit he's suddenly _my_ son?"

"Why, isn't that the stuff fathers have to deal with?" She smiled sweetly. "That man to man stuff you guys are always talking about?"

Myn gave a snort. "So why was it my task to speak to the headmistress when Alina floored that boy … What was his name? _Ryndo?_ " He shook his head.

"That was because you're so much more diplomatically gifted," Kirney said matter-of-factually. "You know that headmistress is one of these insufferable do-gooders who wouldn't raise their voice, let alone have a serious argument with anyone. Just seeing her makes me want to smack her one."

Whatever answer her husband had attempted, it was cut off by the sound of the front door being thrust open forcefully. So forcefully that it banged into the wall with a resounding crash.

The two adults exchanged perplexed looks.

What followed were the clatter of boots which were flung at, not into but at, the shoe rack, subdued female sobbing and a raven-haired whirlwind which dashed past the kitchen door and stomped up the stairway. Another door was yanked open and slammed shut again. Mere seconds later guitars and bass of some heavy isotope piece of music were blasting through the house, barely dampened by the closed door and Myn cringed when he recognized the song – it was what Alina was playing whenever she wanted to be left alone.

 

_No more tears,_   
_No, 'cause nothing else matters_   
_I've been closing my eyes for too long._

_Only vengeance will make me feel better._   
_There's no rest till I know that it's done._

 

_"Ouch!"_ Kirney winced. "I haven't heard that song since …" Her voice trailed off.

Myn nodded wearily. "Yeah. This is going to be a fun evening."

In silent agreement they moved out of the kitchen and into the corridor where a visibly exasperated Selan Donos jr was closing the main door.

Kirney tilted her head and shot her son a questioning stare. "What did you do?"

A look of hurt flickered across Selan's face followed by one of indignation before finally going back to exasperation. "Why does everyone assume that I did something wrong?" the teenager whined petulantly and shrugged off his jacket.

"Past performances, perhaps?" his mother asked pointedly and the boy cringed slightly.

"Yes, well …" He cleared his throat. "But this time it's not my fault."

"Really?" Myn arched an eyebrow.

"Yes, really," his son returned with a frown. "It's that stupid boyfriend of hers. He ditched her today."

"Oh."

"Yeah. And that son of a Sith had the gall to do it via a text message," Selan snarled and kicked off his own boots.

Kirney looked nonplussed for a moment. "He did what?"

Her son let out a derisive snort. "He sent her a text message. _'Don't love you anymore. It's over. Don't come around again.'_ What an insufferable jerk."

Myn felt his anger pulse. Nobody treated his little girl like that. Nobody! His right hand curled into a fist and ...

Kirney placed a calming hand on his arm and shook her head. The message was clear – _Don't._ Turning her attention back to her son she asked, "How come you know this much about it?"

"My sister and one of the stars of the school's smashball team? Kinda hard _not_ to know." A look of utter disgust appeared on his face. "It was _the_ topic of school gossip today and every idiot seemed to have an opinion."

"Did you say something to her?" Myn felt like an idiot but he had to ask.

His son rubbed his face wearily. "To my sister? Who has the temper of a thermal detonator at times? Nope, I value my skin."

"Okay." Myn shot his wife a look and received a nod in return. "Go to your room. Dinner will be ready in an hour or so."

"Yes, Dad." The boy picked up his backpack and moved up the stairs to his own room.

Once the door had been closed Myn let his head drop and groaned. "So much for that nice calm evening I had hoped for."

"Sounds like it," his wife agreed as she leaned back against the wall and closed her eyes for a moment. "You have any idea how to proceed in such a case?"

"You're asking _me_?" he asked with an incredulous frown creasing his forehead.

"Right," she returned wryly. "Sorry, I forgot who I was talking to."

"You don't happen to have own experiences in such a situation?"

"No." Kirney's contemplative look suddenly changed to discomfort. "If I'm honest I was always the one who broke up. On the other hand none of these relationships were real, all were either part of my training or of a cover identity. I didn't even send a text message, I simply vanished without a trace. "

"Terrific. You think we should go in there?" he asked nodding at the closed door of Alina's room one story above them.

"I don't see a way around it."

With another sigh Myn moved towards the stairway, Kirney followed one step behind. At the door they shared once last glance, just to steel themselves against the onslaught of emotions and temper from their daughter, and knocked.

The first knock was ignored. The second, too. The third produced no reaction, either.

"We know you've heard it, Alina. Can we come in?"

No reply came forth, only the music continued to boom through the house. Straightening his back Myn put his hand on the door latch and pulled the door open.

Alina had thrown herself facedown onto her bed, her face buried in a cushion. The music drowned out any other sounds but it was obvious she was crying. The shake of her shoulders gave her away.

Kirney moved swiftly to sit down beside her daughter while Myn shut off the entertainment center. As the music broke off the sobs became audible.

"Oh, honey," Kirney said quietly as she stroked Alina's head. "I'm so sorry."

"Leave … me … alone. Please," the girl ground out in between sobs. "Don't … wanna … talk."

"We know," her father said quietly and sat down on the bed as well. "But can't we just be there for you?"

Alina sat up and wiped the tears off her face to glare at her parents. "You have no idea how I am feeling," she spat.

"No, we don't," her mother agreed. "Neither your father nor myself have ever been in that situation. None of us were ever treated this way."

"See?" her daughter all but screeched. "You can't know how it looks inside me now. You probably met in school, first love and all that poodoo. You've had a picture-perfect life. You've never been hurt this badly." That last sentence was flung at her parents with the viciousness and speed of a proton torpedo launch. But all that anger suddenly vanished when she saw the pinched look on her mother's face and registered the sorrow in her father's eyes.

"Would you believe," Myn finally mumbled with difficulty as he tried to swallow the lump in his throat, "that your mother and I started out as mortal enemies?"

The look of utter disbelief on Alina's face was answer enough.

"Obviously not." He gave a sigh of … He didn't know of what. It was neither disappointment nor anger. Perhaps the tiredness washing over him was the understanding that a long-buried secret was about to come into the open again. He looked back at his daughter again. "You don't know the heartaches and pain your mother and I went through because we never talked about it."

Alina darted her eyes from her father to her mother and back. "What are you talking about?"

"There is a story to tell, honey," Kirney answered quietly. "Something we haven't told you before. Something about my past in particular and how I met your father."

"And now you would tell me?"

Kirney exchanged a long glance with her husband before nodding hesitantly. "Yes, I think it is time for that. But I want your brother to hear it as well." She swallowed audibly. "I don't want to tell this one more than once."

"I'll go and get Selan," Myn said and rose from the bed. "Why don't we move this to the living room?"

Kirney gave a dejected nod.

*** * ***

 


	2. Chapter 2

*** * ***

When he came into the room of his son Myn stopped dead at what he saw. The large holo screen on the wall showed scenes that could have been taken directly from Myn's memories. Except that the only times he'd flown a TIE had been with the Wraiths and during the operations against Delak Krennel.

Selan was sitting in a chair in front of the screen, headphones over his ears and his hands on what looked like a simplified version of an X-Wing's control stick and throttle. Myn watched, flabbergasted, as the simulated TIE made a quick roll to starboard followed by a long curve which brought him straight onto the tail of … a TIE interceptor. There were four laser beams erupting from around the cockpit which blew the opposing TIE to bits.

That shook him out of his stupor and he moved up to his son to put a hand on his shoulder. The boy jumped at the unexpected contact and whirled around.

"Dad," Selan exclaimed and hurriedly hit a switch on the keyboard. The picture on the screen froze. Pulling off his headphones he turned to his father and stammered, "I can explain …"

Myn silenced him by holding up his hand. "I'm not here to lecture you," he hushed his son. Gesturing at the screen he asked, "What is this?"

Selan gave him a look of utter disbelief before he caught himself. "That's  _Starfighter Combat 6_ , Dad, with the  _Defender of the Empire_ addition." He gestured at the screen. "I'm in the middle of the campaign against the traitorous Grand Admiral Zaarin and …"

Again Myn held up a hand. "It's okay. Come to the living room, please. Your mother and I have to tell you and Alina something."

" _Dad_ ," came the howl of protest. And somehow Selan managed to draw out that single syllable into at least five or six, a feat – as Myn had learned – only teenagers were capable of.

Myn gave him a look that had the boy scrambling to comply. Sighing he moved out of the room and closed the door. This was  _really_ going to be a fun evening.

In the living room Kirney was still consoling her daughter when her husband and son arrived. Selan sat down heavily on the couch, but at the far side of it away from his sister, and crossed his arms in a silent gesture of defiance. Kirney raised an eyebrow at her husband but he merely shook his head and sat down in one of the armchairs across the low table.

"Before we begin," Myn began solemnly, "we need to make sure that you understand that nothing of what you are going to hear today is to be repeated to anyone else.  _Nothing!_ If anything were to get out we would be forced to run and hide, to assume new identities and begin new lives. You wouldn't be able to see your grandparents and friends again. Ever. Is that clear?"

The look of wide-eyed surprise on both of his children's faces would have been comical if the situation had been different.

Selan looked at his father, then turned to look at his mother … and gaped. "You're joking, aren't you?"

Kirney shook her head. "No, we aren't. It is time for you to learn about a part of our history which we haven't told you, yet. This part isn't fun at all, but you're both old enough to hear the story. We don't want to lie to you. But you must promise that you will not discuss any of that with anyone. This is vital. Do you understand?"

The kids exchanged a stupefied glance and nodded. "I promise," Alina said.

"Me, too," her brother agreed.

"Very well then." Kirney took a deep breath. "Alina, you thought that I met your father in school. That isn't true. In fact I had never been on Corellia before I set up my shuttle business here." She swallowed and tasted bile. "The truth is I was born on Coruscant, not on Corellia. And not as Kirney Slane, either. The name I was born with was Gara Petothel."

Myn remained silent and settled for watching the reactions of his children. Selan wore his 'You've-got-to-be-kidding' expression as he darted looks at his parents. Alina, on the other hand, simply sat there, eyes wide and disbelief written across her face.

"But … but …," she stammered. "I thought …"

Kirney forced a smile. "You thought I was a Corellian?" She shook her head. "Most of my childhood and youth was spent on Coruscant, especially after I had reached the age for compulsory school attendance. But before I traveled a lot with my parents …"

"But why the name change?"

"We'll come to that," Myn threw in and gave his wife's hand a squeeze. He knew the next part was not easy for her. "You'll understand when you hear who your mother's parents worked for."

Selan was not to be silenced, though. "Are they still alive?"

Kirney shook her head sadly. "No. I was eleven when they were accused of being rebel sympathizers and executed by Imperial Intelligence." She swallowed and wiped a solitary tear from her cheek. "I remember that day, I don't want to but I do. I was at school, in the middle of my mathematics lesson, when two agents came into the classroom and unceremoniously dragged me away and into a speeder."

"Your Mom and Dad were spying for the Rebellion?"

Kirney winced at the streak of pride in her son's voice. Myn gave her hand another supporting squeeze and she flashed him a grateful if pained smile. "No, Selan. They were members of Imperial Intelligence."

The boy gasped and turned ashen. " _What?_ "

"They were spies, yes, but they were spying for the Empire."

"But …" Alina was more confused than ever. "Why did the Imps kill them if they were their own agents?"

"Ever heard the name Ysanne Isard?" Myn raised an eyebrow at his daughter. "Or Iceheart?"

Alina thought for a moment. "She was one of Palpatine's successors, wasn't she? She dumped that virus on Coruscant when the New Republic attacked the planet."

He nodded. "But before that she was Head of Imperial Intelligence. And she did not tolerate slacking or failure. Any agent who didn't perform at one hundred percent efficiency … " His voice trailed off and he made a cut-throat gesture to make his point.

Alina swallowed. "Kriff … And what happened to you?"

Kirney ignored the ugly word and shrugged. "They kept interrogating me for hours, maybe even days. I don't remember. I was scared stiff … I thought they were going to kill me as well. But then, suddenly, I was released."

Selan thought he understood. "So you ran and hid from the Empire, didn't you?"

"No, I didn't run. I could not." Kirney sighed. "I know you will not understand this, but … As a kid growing up on Coruscant you were constantly told that the Emperor was a nice man, a good man, and that the rebels were all evil creatures who didn't want peace and harmony in the galaxy."

Selan gave a disbelieving snort but a stern glare from his father stopped whatever he wanted to retort.

"I had no way of knowing the truth, no way to know that they were telling me lies. Those lies were everywhere: in school, in holodramas, in the news, even in the stuff we did in our theater group. I grew up with this as the absolute and unshakable truth, so when I finished school there was no question for me that I'd serve the Empire in whatever capacity possible." She sighed and rubbed her eyes. "As it turned out that was Imperial Intelligence as well."

" _What?_ "  Alina couldn't believe her ears. "You were a spy, too? After what they did to your parents?"

Kirney met her daughter's disbelieving stare head-on. "Yes, I did. You must understand: if a lie is repeated often enough you start believing it. That happened to me … so I went to Intelligence and was trained as deep cover agent."

"What's that?" her son asked with a frown. "You mean you went undercover?"

"Yes." Kirney nodded. "I was trained to  _become_ someone else, to fool everyone around me that I was a nice and dedicated member of the Rebel Alliance, to bury everything about my real self deep within myself and to achieve the goal of the mission without anyone noticing."

"And …" Alina bit her lip. "What were those goals?"

Her mother gave a halfhearted shrug. "Data gathering mostly. Like troop strengths and movements, orders, technical specifications and the likes. Sometimes I had to falsify that data, too. Or enter viruses into computer systems, manipulate computers so that my Imperial superiors were given access to sensitive data …"

There was something approaching relief flickering across Alina's face. "So you never killed anyone?"

Kirney flinched, her gaze dropping from the faces of her children. She did not want to see the revulsion that was surely going to become visible on them. "Not directly," she said quietly. "But sometimes that still was the outcome." Pulling herself together she forced herself to look her kids in the eyes again. "Make no mistake about it – I  _was_ aiding the Empire and every time I sent them secret data this could – and probably did – cause people to lose their lives." She cast a long glance at Myn, just to steel herself, before she finally came to the worst part of the tale so far. "And the last time I went on such an assignment I almost killed your father."

*** * ***

 


	3. Chapter 3

*** * ***

Two sharp gasps were the only answer. Kirney fell silent, her eyes glassy and her gaze turned back in time. Selan was staring at his father as if he willed him to stop this agonizing tale and tell them everything was some sick kind of joke while Alina was darting wide-eyed glances between her parents as if her mind could not process what she'd just heard.

Myn took this as his cue to take over. "At that time your mother was undercover posing as mission controller on a New Republic Frigate and I had recently graduated from the New Republic Starfighter Academy. Because of my grades I was given command of a newly raised X-Wing squadron, Talon Squadron, and tasked with patrolling a sector of space along the border between New Republic space and the holdings of Warlord Zsinj." He stood and moved to the large window and stared out into the slowly darkening sky while the old dull pain re-emerged from the depths of his memories. "It was our very first combat mission. Nothing but a routine patrol in an area which had seen a rise of sightings of Zsinj's ships in the preceding week. We came across what looked like a damaged TIE Interceptor and followed it into an uninhabited system which the Fleet Almanac listed as secure. But it was a trap."

"That Almanac entry was wrong," Kirney continued the tale as she rejoined the conversation. "A few days before I had been given explicit orders by my Imperial superiors to manipulate the security classification of just that system so that a query would show it as secure."

Her husband nodded absently. "That TIE led my squadron into a real shooting gallery. We had no idea what was happening until we were totally swamped with TIEs and the squadron was blown to bits." He squeezed his eyes shut and finished huskily, "I was the sole survivor."

Alina got up and flung her arms around her father, sobbing quietly, while Myn placed a kiss on her head and held her close.

Kirney was still staring ahead, not seeing the here and now but a distant past. "I had no idea what the result of my little data manipulation would be, but then the news of Talon Squadron's demise spread through the Fleet and I knew I had to disappear. It would not take long to backtrack the data trail to me so my Imperial superiors extracted me and decided that I would not go undercover for a while, at least as long as the dust had not settled somewhat. Instead I was transferred to the Star Destroyer  _Implacable_ as data analyst and intel specialist."

Myn guided his still crying daughter back to the couch and sat down to take his wife's hand once again. "After that I was a mental wreck. My mind simply could or would not process what had happened and so it shut down. For weeks I was little more than a droid functioning on his basic programming. I was alive or rather merely functional." He shook his head. "I didn't care about anything anymore. Praise, rebuke, jokes, compliments … nothing meant anything to me anymore. I was totally and utterly focused only on one thing: blinding hate. I was given access to the data NRI had gathered on the incident, among them the file of your mother. There was no holo, just her name, but I focused my hate on her and all the other Imperials who'd taken part in the ambush and really set up a list of people I'd have to kill before I died."  
He sighed. "The military was my life, you see. I'd spent the years of my adolescence planning just what kind of brilliant career I'd have in the armed forces and now I thought I was a total failure when I could not even protect my squadmates on their first mission. I'd lost my self-esteem and any trace of the certainty I'd had before. My psych had cracked and was on the verge of falling apart … while I did everything to hide all of that from the people around me. Until I really had a total breakdown and my new squadmates managed to draw me out of my near-catatonic state. But still all these mental issues remained, my sanity remained cracked. I just ignored that and tried to go on as if nothing had happened."

"In the meantime your father had been recruited into a new X-Wing squadron, a somewhat unconventional combination of a special forces commando team and an ordinary starfighter squadron," Kirney picked up the tale again.

"You mean the Wraiths?" her son asked.

She nodded. "He'd been picked because he'd been a sniper in the Corellian Planetary Defense Forces before joining the New Republic and somehow this new squadron ended up doing a covert campaign against the forces assigned to the Star Destroyer  _Implacable_ ." She let out a long-drawn sigh and shook her head. "In hindsight I have to say my own time aboard  _Implacable_ was an eye-opening experience, even though I didn't see it this way at that time. But the realities of service aboard an Imperial warship, the way officers and crew held themselves and the kind of missions they did all served to sow the seeds of doubt in my mind about what I had been told about the Empire and the New Republic. I soon came to despise the commanding officer of the ship, Admiral Apwar Trigit, for his maliciousness, his arrogance and his violent eruptions, because he was so obviously the antipode of what I had considered the archetype of an Admiral in the Imperial Navy. And when, in the final engagement between your father's new squadron and the  _Implacable_ , Trigit wanted to abandon his crew of almost forty thousand people to death while he tried to drop out unseen …" Kirney let out a snort of derision. "Something within me snapped. For the first time in my life I went directly against orders from my Imperial superiors. First I gave the order to abandon ship, then I sent the New Republic a message and told them that Trigit was about to get away."

"But he didn't," Myn remarked with quiet menace, something dark etched on his features even after all this time. Then his face softened, taking on a weary expression and he rubbed his eyes. "When I shot down Trigit … That was the moment I had been waiting for. I'd imagined this for months, how I'd feel when strike one of the major figures from my death list. But it was nothing like I had imagined. I didn't feel the satisfaction I thought I'd feel, no elation, no victory. Instead there was a dull void, a nothing. The Talons were still dead. And the Wraiths had lost members as well, people I had begun to think of as friends. It was then when I began to question the purpose of all this vendetta thinking, although I was still a long long way from understanding that I'd waste my life for nothing if I spent it just on killing."

Selan leaned forward, riveted by the tale, and looked at his mother. "And what happened to you, Mom?"

Kirney gave a sourish smile. "My own escape from the  _Implacable_ was somewhat more complicated. I couldn't just board an escape pod and surrender to the New Republic. Gara Petothel was still wanted for espionage and treason and I had no intention of ending in front of a firing squad. Or being shot into the sun …" She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment. "I had an alternative identity ready, just in case I needed to disappear quickly, so I used it to disguise myself from the New Republic until I could escape and rejoin Imperial Forces. Or so I thought."

"What do you mean, Mom?" Alina leaned forward and looked at her curiously. For the first time the tale seemed to have riveted her more than it appalled her.

"My alternative identity was that of a young Aldivian woman Trigit had kidnapped, drugged and used as pleasure slave. That entailed injecting myself with a cocktail of very exotic drugs which, in the end, landed me in a New Republic medcenter." Kirney cast a quick glance at her husband but Myn simply stared ahead, his eyes glassy, lost in his own memories. "Which is where I met one of your father's squadmates who'd been wounded in the battle. Weeks later, I'd moved to Coruscant after being discharged, he and another of Myn's squadmates came to visit me and asked me to enter the New Republic Naval Academy to train as starfighter pilot."

Selan's eyebrows went up to his hairline. "Just like that?"

"No." Kirney gave a rueful smile. "Apparently they had run into an instructor who was running a nasty black market ring from within his training command and they wanted to use me as a bait to expose him and his cronies. Of course I could not refuse such an offer, especially when they agreed to try and get me into one of Wedge Antilles' squadrons. I was a spy, after all, and getting into one of Antilles' precious units would be a major victory for Imperial Intelligence." She shrugged again. "My time at the Academy was anything but the chore I'd thought it would be. I did bring down that black market ring, yes, but it was the time and the trainees there which opened my eyes to the realities of the galaxy and let me see past the cocoon of lies the Empire had wrapped me up in.  
"I'd been told that New Republic soldiers were barely restrained mad dogs, aggressive, vicious, not caring for peace and stability. I'd never noticed before that this was, to put it mildly, utter poodoo but there I could not longer ignore the truth. I began to like some of the trainees there and I was beginning to regret thoughts about killing them later in combat. In combination with my experiences aboard  _Implacable_ that utterly undermined my Imperial view of the galaxy and I worked myself into a solid state of confusion about what was right and what was wrong … and more importantly I was no longer able to discern which part of me was really mine and which were remnants of my Intelligence training."

"And how did you meet?" Alina's eyes darted from her father to her mother and back.

Kirney gave her a small smile. "After graduation I was accepted into your father's squadron. That's how we met."

"Not that I really noticed her at first," Myn remarked, his face serious. "At that time I was in a similar state of confusion, just for vastly different reasons. After the Wraiths had gotten me out of my near catatonic state, after my breakdown, I thought all these troubles past, that I was back to normal again. But I wasn't," he said quietly and shook his head. "For the people around me I played the role-model soldier, always in control, calm, dedicated. But inside there was a full-blown war raging, a war between the two parts of my mind which I just couldn't bring in line. The dark side of me, the one sith-bent on vengeance and bloodshed, was constantly at odds with the growing impression that such a life, dedicated to a vendetta on behalf of my dead friends, would be a total waste and a gesture of disrespect towards the ultimate sacrifice these people had made. I was constantly occupied keeping this under wraps, to demonstrate control and calm to everyone around me, but this conflict was there and I could not stop it."

"I was rather preoccupied myself at that time," his wife admitted quietly. "During that very first mission I flew with Wraith Squadron I realized that I could no longer work for the Empire. The trust and friendship the Wraiths offered to me was something I could not resist, that feeling of belonging which I had missed since the death of my parents. So I decided to bury my old life aboard  _Implacable_ and become the person I was pretending to be, Lara Notsil, Aldivian farmgirl turned New Republic fighter pilot. Only to realize within days that this would not work in the long run."

"Why that?" Selan inquired.

Kirney gave a self-deprecating shrug. "Lara Notsil was a far more complete and complex character than Gara Petothel had ever been. In the Empire you learned early to present a party line face to the galaxy and refrain from saying or doing things the authorities wouldn't like. When my parents were killed I withdrew into myself, always scared of authorities, of making mistakes, of not producing results, even of thinking seditious thoughts and be killed as well. I was not a normal teenager, I was totally focused on pleasing the teachers, then the instructors and my superiors so that none of them would have a reason to punish me. I simply didn't develop any kind of basic personality, did not indulge in hobbies, had friends, went out or did what normal teenagers do. All of that influenced my basic thought patterns, my behavior in various situations, even the way I held myself. And these things were constantly at odds with the role I was playing. Lara Notsil had experienced all those things I only knew from the Holonet or intelligence manuals. So whenever I was not in total control of myself I slipped back into behavioral patterns of Gara … and being in control of oneself all the time is impossible. So, after some thinking, I decided to continue with the role I was playing until Zsinj was beaten … and then confess everything to my commanding officer."

Alina gave a nod of understanding. "And how did you get together?"

Myn exchanged a look with his wife, then gave a rueful grin. "In the meantime I had finally begun to notice your mother. Not just that she's a beautiful woman," - he winked at Kirney who rolled her eyes – "but more like she held herself. I mean, I was having some serious issues because I could not deal with the past. I'd lost friends, yes, but here was this young woman who had lost not only friends but her family and her home, who had been kidnapped, drugged and abused and yet she did not seem to suffer from the memories. She was moving forward with her life while I didn't. I felt like a total loser, and yet her presence rekindled that will to live within me, to learn how to overcome a traumatic past and move forward. So finally, after weeks of arguing with myself and working up the nerve, I asked her out."

"Pretty clumsily, too," his wife remarked with a smirk and the kids giggled.

Myn shot her a dirty look. "You just had to mention that, hadn't you?"

"Of course," Kirney said airily and smiled. "He wasn't skilled in that area, still isn't, so whatever you do don't ask your Dad for dating advice."

Alina snickered and wasn't silenced even by a stern glare her father sent in her direction.

"I must admit he caught me off-guard when he asked me out," Kirney continued the tale. "I'd been watching him, surreptitiously, because I considered him the only real danger among the Wraiths. Imagine my surprise when I suddenly realized that he was interested in me. Romantically, I mean." She gave her husband a wry grin. "To say I was flabbergasted would be an understatement."

Myn smiled sheepishly. "And of course you said no."

"Of course I did," Kirney shot back teasingly before looking at her kids again. "But your father was persistent so he finally wore me down. It wasn't an instant connection, though. At first we simply began to spend off-duty time together. We met for breakfast, wasted time on corny holodramas or hologames … "

"Oh, that brings back memories," her husband chipped in with a fond smile. "Remember that evening when we played a whole smashball season on that gaming console until we fell asleep in the lounge?"

"Don't remind me," Kirney groaned as she buried her face in her hands. "Face never let us hear the end of it after he found us in the morning."

The kids exchanged a look of surprise. "Uncle Face was there?" Alina asked.

"Of course," her father answered with a slight smile. "And Shalla, Kell, Tyria, Piggy, ..."

"I think we're moving off the subject," Kirney interjected and gave her husband a pointed look. "So after a while your father somehow managed to worm his way into my thoughts," she went on returning to the gist of their story. "He even managed to intrude into my dreams and I caught myself looking forward to meeting him. That was a new one for me, I'd never had a real boyfriend before, any relationships I'd had had been fake and part of my various covers. I discovered that I liked those new feelings very much." Her smile faded. "Until the day my new life imploded."

"What happened?"

Myn's face showed his sorrow. "I tried to kill your mother," he said quietly.

And again the kids gasped in unison.

*** * ***

 


	4. Chapter 4

*** * ***

Selan stared at his father as if he'd just grown a set of cranial horns. " _What?_ "

"Remember how I told you that I reverted to Gara's mannerisms from time to time?" Kirney asked.

"Yes," her daughter said hesitantly as she tried to process this new and totally unexpected information.

Her mother let out a protracted sigh. "Our commander, Face Loran, was trained to detect, analyze and categorize mannerisms of people. Whenever I reverted to one of Gara's traits I unwittingly sent out signs that something wasn't right about Lara Notsil. Face saw that, started wondering and asked for further information on my alias. During one of our missions against Zsinj's forces he realized who I really was and it all went downhill from then on."

"Your mother was Face's wingman and when he tried to keep her out of the fight she became worried. They forgot to switch to their private com channel so all of us could hear how Face said that he knew she was Gara Petothel …" Myn rubbed his face tiredly. "That's when my conscious self switched off. I have no recollection of what happened in the next thirty seconds … but of course I was told all the sordid details afterwards. My vengeful side took over and I fired a proton torpedo at your mother's fighter, almost killing Face in the process. When I came to my senses again I had detonated the torpedo a second before, but the damage was already done." He fell silent again.

Kirney was staring ahead, absently, but her voice was clear and strong. "Being found out was a strange experience. On the one hand it shattered the hopes and dreams I'd begun to have but it also freed me from playing yet another role. For the first time since the death of my parents I could really be myself, wasn't confined to the limits of a role I had to play.  
"In a split second I decided to do something useful with the rest of my life, short as I thought it would be. I didn't think I'd get a chance to undo some of the damage I'd done as Imperial agent if I returned to the New Republic. Running and hiding wasn't an option, either, my conscience wouldn't have allowed it. So the only viable alternative left was to go undercover again … this time as myself and working covertly against the Empire. So I made contact with Zsinj's forces, pretending to be the loyal agent they thought I was, while my true goal was to gather intelligence on Zsinj and his operations until I could sabotage their operations enough to bring him down once and for all."

Selan gave a low whistle. "Wow …"

"When we returned to the  _Mon Remonda_ I felt like the biggest idiot of the universe," his father continued quietly. "Intellectually I knew I had serious issues but I was desperately trying to avoid them. I didn't want to realize how kriffed up I was …" He gave a self-deprecating shrug. "I tried to resign my commission there and then but Commander Antilles wouldn't hear any of it. He gave me a nasty dressing down, picked me and my faults apart and made me face what kind of mockery of a human I had turned myself into. Each of his words was a punch to the solar plexus … but they finally woke me up to the realities of my problems."

"Did they throw you out?" his daughter asked worriedly.

"No, they didn't." Myn shook his head. "I don't know why they didn't but Wedge dressed up what had happened as an accident. Of course I was pulled off duty for a while so I had time to ponder what had happened and why. And I realized that I was missing your mother. Badly. I constantly caught myself thinking of her … There was still anger because of her role in Talon Squadron's destruction, but the more time passed the more I began to mourn what hadn't come to pass, to wonder what could have been if …" He swallowed the lump in his throat. "And then your mother managed to get a message through to us …"

"I knew Zsinj wouldn't trust me completely," Kirney answered the curious stares of her kids. "I knew he'd test me to measure my loyalty … and one of these occasions I ran into Wraith Squadron. Outwardly I pretended to be the Imperial agent who had escaped capture and who was now gleefully pointing this out to her former squadmates. While I was flying a TIE Interceptor and shooting at them."

Myn kept staring ahead. "But your Mom was much more clever than any of the Imps. She'd dialed down her lasers and used them as transmission medium for a pre-recorded message."

His wife nodded. "In that message I explained what I was planning, what had happened … and I said goodbye to your father. I didn't think I'd ever see him again. I thought sabotaging Zsinj's Super Star Destroyer would be the last thing I'd do in my life."

"Listening to that message was by far the worst thing I'd ever had to endure, even worse than realizing that Talon Squadron was no more. Realizing just how badly I had failed, that I had blown the chance to be with your mother, that there had been real affection and real feelings … That was the first time in years that I cried openly and didn't give a tosh if anyone saw." He drew a shuddering breath and went on, his voice thick with emotion. "It took me a while to get out of that emotional hole but ultimately I was allowed back into a snubfighter cockpit. Just in time for the final battle between Han Solo's Task Force and Zsinj's forces."

"Did you really sabotage a Super Star Destoyer?" Selan asked with awe in his voice.

"Well … To be honest Tonin did most of the work, because I was under constant observation," his mother admitted. "He modified MSE-6 repair droids who sliced into data cables, gave us access to sections of the ship which were off limits to me or who were tasked to assemble near the ship's engines and wait for our signal to bring them offline.  
"But while searching for weaknesses we could exploit Tonin came across a deck which was not on the plans. I got intrigued and asked Tonin to get us more information on that secret area. What we found was terrible," Kirney said and gave a shudder. "Zsinj had scientists do some pretty nasty experiments with sentient species from all over the galaxy. That was part of several intelligence operations and while I did my best to collect, assess and evaluate data as quickly and as comprehensively as possible what I saw and read disturbed me so much that I nearly had to stop digging deeper. I'd never paid other species much attention before I'd joined the Wraiths, but what I saw there went far beyond any horrors I could have imagined. Surgical procedures being conducted without anesthetization, bodies being pumped full of volatile chemicals to modify the biochemistry … I was horrified by the black depths of evil a human could descend into." Kirney fell silent.

"But your mother had done more," her husband stepped into the breach. "In the message she'd sent to us she gave her own analysis on Solo's operations, what she guessed he'd do and what she had told Zsinj. Between that and some more tactical planning we set the stage for the final confrontation between our forces. We'd prepared an elaborate trap at one of the locations your mother had listed and Zsinj really showed up there with a considerable fleet. We jumped in, deployed fighters and began to pound his behemoth with all that we had … Unfortunately it wasn't enough and he managed to jump to lightspeed."

"Not for long, though," Kirney threw in as she wiped a surreptitious tear from the corner of her eye. "First I had Tonin remove a nearby star from the system's charts, then he adjusted the ship's course a little so that the star's gravity well would pull it out of hyperspace. And once that was done we unleashed the small army of MSE droids on the hyperdrives to prevent  _Iron Fist_ from escaping." She let out a protracted sigh. "And of course calling the Fleet and let them know where Zsinj was stranded."

"We were a bit down after Zsinj's escape," Myn took over again. "We were tired, not just physically from the recent combat but mentally because Zsinj always seemed to be able to get away once we had him cornered somewhere.  
"But then, suddenly and totally unexpected for us, the bridge sounded another battle alert and the fleet jumped to hyperspace. Antilles came running and told us to gear up again, that Zsinj was stranded at Selaggis with a malfunctioning hyperdrive." He directed a small proud smile at his wife who smiled back. "I knew this had to be your mother's handiwork, even before Wedge pulled me aside and told me that she'd sent us the call. And when we dropped out of hyperspace again all fighters of the fleet were launched for a second round."

Kirney nodded. "The holonet message had told Zsinj that I wasn't loyal to him at all, of course, but the ensuing chaos gave me enough time to disappear from my post and begin my escape. The easiest way would have been to get to the nearest hangar bay, wait for the battle to start earnestly and then to hijack some hyperdrive-equipped ship and run as fast as I could. I didn't take it, though … I couldn't. There were beings on the ship which needed my help to gain their freedom."

"So you went to the secret level and freed the poor creatures held there," Selan guessed shrewdly.

"Yes, I did. I wouldn't have been able to look at my reflection in a mirror if I'd abandoned them to their death. So Tonin and I broke into the secured deck and freed those captives who promised not to harm me – starting with Kolot. Then we made our way for the hangar bay where we hijacked a  _Sentinel_ -class landing craft. Kolot and Tonin flew the landing craft while I hopped into my X-Wing and joined the battle. I blasted a few TIEs and then let one of them shoot at me."

Her daughter gave her a wide-eyed stare. "Why that?"

"I had to engineer my death, honey," Kirney explained. "The New Republic would never pardon what I had done, their legal system is so hypocritical, and Imperial Intelligence would never cease hunting me unless they believed that I was dead. So just before the missile hit my fighter I ejected from the cockpit, switched on the emergency transmitter I'd set to Tonin's individual frequency and waited for them to pick me up."

"When Antilles told me that your mother was dead it hurt," Myn took over again. "I mean I had weeks to get used to the idea of never seeing her again, but knowing for sure …" He drew a shuddering breath. "I felt as if fate had yanked away the ground underneath my feet yet another time, but I was determined not to fall into the abyss of mourning and self-pity again. It was hard … at least until the evening before we returned to Coruscant."

"What happened?" Alina asked, hugging a cushion to herself.

Her father smiled tightly. "That evening we had the traditional pilot's party to celebrate a successful campaign. I'd had a few drinks and, unused to drinking alcohol as I was, I got a buzz pretty soon so I withdrew when I felt the ship starting to spin around me. When I returned to my cabin I saw a light on the com console flashing. I thought it would be a routine message concerning my transfer to Rogue Squadron, because the Wraiths were to be transferred to Intelligence and I had absolutely no intention to work in that area, but when I hit the button there were several messages – among them a holo recording from Corellia. In my tipsy state it took me a while to work out that I didn't know a Kirney Slane and when I opened that message I thought I was seeing things, that the alcohol was playing tricks with my brain … because I thought the woman in the holo couldn't be alive.  
"I watched the recording again and again and again, I didn't go to bed that night at all. Slowly I was beginning to understand that this wasn't a dream or a sick joke of my squadmates … this was very real. Part of me was overjoyed but part of me was not sure that any of what had transpired between your mother and myself had been real. Despite this conflict within I knew I had to go and see her again, to see if those feelings were real or not."

"I sent that message against every rule in the intel operative's manual. I mean I had managed to pull off my disappearance without a hitch and now I was jeopardizing my success because of your father, who had, after all, more reasons to hate me than anyone else in the New Republic." Kirney gave her children a small sad smile. "But I could not forget him. There was an aching void in my heart whenever I thought of him. So, after a little prodding from Tonin, I recorded that message and sent it, although I was pretty sure I'd never hear from him again. But a few days later, I'd just returned from one of my first trips as shuttle pilot, he was standing in my office … I couldn't believe my eyes."

"Nor could I," Myn threw in with a mischievous grin. "At least when I saw Kolot standing on the threshold to the living room behind the office. Thought I was still sleeping in my bed, that I was dreaming." The grin widened as he watched Kirney squirm. "Then your Mom suggested to 'make the dream worthwhile' so we took the day off, went window-shopping, watched some stupid holo-comedy and in the evening …"

"We don't need to tell them about what happened then," his wife interrupted him with a tiny glare, totally ignoring the howl of protest coming from her son.

"Spoilsport," Myn sighed theatrically. "Well, let's just say that the hangover next day was monumental."

"Yeah," his wife agreed with a half smile. "It became apparent that the feelings were still there, as were the sparks. So we gave it a try and here we are."

Myn reached over and took her hand. "Now you know the story. Our lives haven't been neat and tidy, they haven't been picture-perfect at all." He looked his daughter straight in the eye. "You see, your Mom and I did have more than our share of heartache and pain before we finally found us and our place in life."

Alina swallowed. "I understand."

"But never forget: You must not tell anyone outside this family about what you have heard today. The only people who know apart from us are your grandparents, Uncle Voth, Aunt Zeena, the Wraiths and, of course, Tonin and Kolot." Kirney was adamant. "If it were to get out both the Empire and the New Republic would trip over their own feet to make an example of me."

The kids exchanged a quick glance, then Selan answered for both of them. "We understand, Mom."

Kirney nodded, then cast a glance at the chrono on the wall. Almost an hour had gone by. "And now go and do your homework. We still have to make dinner."

The kids got up and moved towards the stairway. Myn called his son and said with a smirk, "And your mother really means  _homework_ . Grand Admiral Zaarin can wait."

Selan gave a huff of exasperation and mumbled, "Yes, Sir." Then he followed his sister to the first floor.

**The End … (for now)**

 

**Author's Note:**

> Songtext taken from "In the Middle of the Night" - Album "The Unforgiving" by Within Temptation


End file.
